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Lina Kashyap Marriage Counselling Marriage Counselling LINA KASHYAP This article first provides a feminist understanding of the marriage scenario in India and the sociocultural nature of problems faced by Indian couples using the ecological systems and power relations frameworks. It then describes an empowerment based-practice, which is built on a synthesis of structural and individual perspectives which includes couple counselling for relationship and psychosexual difficulties, interventions with the third force and interventions with couples and their children. The article also contains a lesson plan on this topic and includes learner objectives, session plan, teaching and assessment methodologies. Prof. Lina Kashyap is Deputy Director, Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai. I INTRODUCTION - Marriage counselling, like other family-centred interventions, has to be em - bedded in the sociocultural, economic and political milieu in which it is of fered. In the Western conception of marriage, it is assumed that the marital - partners are adult independent persons who hold clear-cut roles in the mar riage,haveacoupleidentity,andthefamilyunitislargelynuclearinstructure. Marital conflict is viewed as a manifestation of pathology among its partners (Strean, 1985) or as a result of dysfunctional communication (Satir,1983). TheemphasisinmarriagecounsellingintheWestismoreintheareasofmate selection, communication and decision making in marriage, handling sexual problems, and working out parenting as a joint responsibility. Therealities in the Indian situation are very different. In India, marriage takes place between two families rather than two individuals. The partners are often very young in age and/or emotionally immature. The family unit is extendedinspirit if not in composition and this has a major influence on the quality of the marital relationship. Additionally, in the Indian situation, very often, the marital conflict between the couple is instigated and complicated by a third party’s involvement in the relationship, which is generally more destructive rather than facilitative. The influence of this ‘Third Force’ has to be taken cognisance of and dealt with in marriage counselling. 254 Lina Kashyap Therefore, to begin with, marriage counselling in India has to be based onanunderstandingofthesocialconstructionofmarriageinIndiansociety andthestatusandrolesofthemaritalsub-systemwithinthefamilysystem as these have implications for the couple’s adjustment to each other and to the family system. Marriage counselling in India has also to be wider in scope and has to take a holistic approach. Firstly, the marital relationship cannotbetreatedasaunitoutsidethefamilyandcommunitysystems.Sec- ondly,marriagecounsellinginIndiahastotakecognisanceofthesystemic nature of difficulties faced by the couple, the power equations between the maritaldyadandtheroleofpatriarchyincouplerelations.Thirdly,ithasto recognisethepossibleadverseinfluenceofthethirdforceonthecouplere - lationship. MARRIAGE,MARITALADJUSTMENTANDMARITALDISCORD IN THEINDIANCONTEXT Aconceptual understanding of the marriage scenario is sought to be pro- vided through the ‘Pinch-Crunch Model’ (Figure 1) adapted by the author from RELATE(UK).Thediscussion of the various aspects of the figure is substantiated by a review of relevant research studies and through a critical analysisofthesystemicnatureofcoupledifficultiesandthepowerdynamics within the couple relationship using the feminist perspective. As shown in Figure 1, most Indian marriages are arranged by parents and members of the kinship group with religion, class and caste positions being important considerations. Today, although patterns of partner selec- tionvaryintermsoftheextentofchoicegiventotheyoungmanorwoman, family approval is still essential for the marriage to take place. A marriage is expected to fulfil the patriarchal family’s needs and ensure family cohe- sion which takes precedence over individual compatibility and individual fulfilment. In present day marriages, the relationship is more congenial in nature. Nevertheless, young couples today are grappling with balancing traditional beliefs and practices with modern concepts and values. - Most couples in India start their married life in the house of the hus band’s parents. As most marriages are arranged, the couple has to move from commitment to the marriage to commitment to the marital relation- ship. This also means that the couple has to shift their primary relationship from parents or family of orientation to their marital relationship. Each partner brings into their marriage their conceptual image about their ideal partner, expectations from the marriage, expectations from each other, as Marriage Counselling 255 wellasexpectationstheirpartner’sfamilyoforientation(BhattiandJuvva, 1997). In fact, the spouses have to learn to strike a balance between the marital unit and relations with the parental unit. In the process, the couple has to negotiate expectations, roles and patterns of behaviour not only be- tween themselves, but also individually and together with both the family units. The nature of expectations varies according to the educational back- ground and socioeconomic status of the partners. Similarly, expectations from marriage and the partner’s family of orientation also vary as per the educational achievement and the socioeconomic status of the spouses. But such expectations are always there in each and every marriage by every partner in all strata of society (Bhatti, 2003). In India, the marital partners are influenced by gender-based tradi- tional values and norms in their perception and practice of marital roles. These roles are culturally bound, but shaped by the individual family to someextent, in accordance to its socioeconomic status. Each spouse has two sets of roles towards both families — the family of orientation and the family of procreation. These sets of role expectations from both these families influence the spouses even when they are away from the family of orientation. In the patriarchal family system, the carrying over of the culture of the husband’s family of orientation is primary, but not that of thewife.Amanaftermarriagemaycontinuetoplayrolesexpectedbyhis family of orientation but it is not culturally accepted if the wife plays roles expected by her family of orientation, once she is married. More- overthewifeisexpectedtoadheretothetraditionalstandardsofhermar- ital family, rejecting those of her familyoforientation(Channabasavanna and Bhatti, 1985). - In the patrilocal family system, it is the new bride who enters the hus band’sfamilyasanewmember.She,therefore,hastomakeadjustmentsto meettheneedsandexpectationsofnotonlyherspousebutalsothoseofhis relatives. Her status is clearly viewed as inferior and subordinate to that of her husband. One of the basic realities of Indian marriages is the unequal status roles of the spouses in marriage and the relative importance of the - twofamiliesoforientation.Thesystemofmarriage,themannerofnegotia - tion, the paymentofdowryandtheritesofmarriage,setsthesealonthein equality of marital relations. Ramu (1988) and Jain and Dave (1982), who studied roles and power in conjugal relationships. have noted that majority of husbands wanted to be seen as decision makers and wives helped them to maintain such an image. 256 Lina Kashyap Research studies have indicated the following factors as influencing maritaladjustment:personalitycharacteristics,sexualrelationships,extent of verbal communication between the spouses, and certain demographic characteristics such as age difference between the spouses, their educa- tional level, occupation, women’s employment, socioeconomic back- ground,andnumberofchildren(Bhattacharya,2000;Bhatti,2003;Kapur, 1972;KumarandRohatgi,1986;MohanandSingh,1985;Srivastav,Singh and Nigam, 1988). AsseeninFigure1,ifthecoupleisabletocopewiththestressbrought onbyvariouskindsofadjustmentstheyhavetomake,theyarethenableto achievesomestabilityintherelationshipandareabletocommitnotonlyto the marriage but also to the relationship. However, if the couple is not able tocopewiththeadjustments,theyexperiencethe‘pinch’leadingtomarital discord. SomeoftheproblemsinmarriagefacedbyIndiancouplesaresimilarto those faced by couples anywhere in the world, such as alcoholism or drug abuse by spouse, infidelity, desertion, verbal, physical or sexual abuse of spouse and sexual incompatibility. However, some of the distinctive fac- tors that impinge on Indian marriages are more socioculturally based and linked to expectations from the partner’s family of procreation, such as childlessness or no sons (Chaudhary, 1988; Kawale, 1985; Pothen, 1986); dowry demands by in-laws (Bhattacharya, 2000; Ghadially and Kumar, 1988; Parihar, 1990); and interference by immediate and extended family memberswhoexertpowerandcontroloverthecoupleasaunitorindividu- ally on the husband or wife in a manner which is destructive to the marital relationship (Bhat and Surti, 1979; Ghadially and Kumar, 1988; Kashyap, 2000). Traditionally, appropriate ways of handling marital relationships and problems were undertaken by elders in the family, doctors, lawyers and priests. Compromise, adjustment, family honour were the key words used which were basically aimed at maintaining and strengthening the family bond through the maintenance of the dominance–submissive relationship withinthecoupledyad.Insuchsituations,thecoupleattemptedtoreturnto the earlier status quo and some renegotiation of expectations and roles. Given the unequal status roles of the spouses in marriage, it is usually the - less powerful one, the wife, who is required to make the adjustments re quiredtopreservetherelationship.Professionalcounsellingmaybesought at this stage — almost as a last resort — when everybody has tried
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